Sunday, February 17, 2008

Jodha Akbar..Faster honey..yeah!

Warning: Spoiler ahead. Technically, this should not trouble you, as it isnt a suspense movie. But yeah it could be a chink to enjoying the movie.

Conversations post movie:

A very enlightenend soul amongst the 8 ghastly creatures, with varying shades of dark circles, posed this question: Where was Birbal in the movie?

Several seconds of contemplative silence and confused murmurings later,

Miss Savvy replies: That was another Akbar.

It is obvious that this movie, causes confusion at several levels. Already, the Rajput community insists that the movie is incestous, Jodha was Akbar's daughter-in-law. They feel strongly about it, causing them to do very effective things like protesting with bloody pamphlets outside theatres. My source tells me, Draculas are seeing this as the perfect buffet. A couple of mosquitoes have been reported engaging in drunken revelry, with the blood content in their..umm blood unusually high.

The second level. History books, understandably, didnt make such a big deal out of this love story. However, they do mention Jodha as Akbar's wife. Which brings me to the point. What do kids now learn? Already , most of them think Chandreshekhar Azad is a certain Aamir Khan, thanks to RDB. Now, while they still cannot understand why Hrithik does not ride elephants in real life (kids, he is riding another Khan which has caused a bump), they will also have to face confusion about Akbar's wife. A typical history class, i figure, would go something like this:

Teacher: Akbar was a great emperor. He was the son of Humayun. And he was married to a lot of princesses.

Chotu:(digs his nose, throws contents at his neighbour, cleans his hands with his shorts and rises to clear a doubt) Teacher, he was married to Jodha Bai.

Teacher: We dont know that for sure Chotu.

Chotu: (scratches his bum) If he was married?

Teacher: No, if he was married to Jodha Bai

Chotu: Was Jodha Bai a maid?

Teacher: No, she was a princess.

Chotu: Then, why was she called Bai?

Teacher: Oh that is her name. She had a lot of other names.

Chotu: So which one did Akbar marry?

And so on..

Third level. Sufi music. It sounds really nice. Soulful, melodious and all. But when you are watching the song in this movie, you will find yourself immersed in a mental game where you try and pick out the twins. Most of the guys behind the main twins, look like twins. And the dance is mechnical like an enegizer bunny getting switched on and off. And hard as i may try i am unable to fathom why they look like someone gave them a swift kick in their balls. At such a happy occasion like a marriage (despite the life long agony) I dont get the point of inviting a musical nutcases in weird chef outfits.

Fourth level. Defying physics at several levels, the mirrors lights up, intending to permanently blind Akbar. In this very romantic twist, the mirror takes you on a discovery of economical ways of lighting your room without the help of those twisted white bulbs.

Fifth level. This is not really a level of confusion. This is a rant. I have never seen 2 people, who by now due to the lack of sex should be as horny as bunnies, lack such chemistry in bed. Hrithik, seems calm and unruffled. Any ordinary guy in such circumstances would be shoving it in exhaust pipes. Ash, we do understand you are married and that your husband, father-in-law and other peripheral people take offense to you kissing. But lying there like a damp cotton mop will not do anything for you career. Hrithik stays safely off her while necking her. Chemistry goes right out of the the ornate, gold plated, clean window.

Anyway, besides these the movie is rather nice. Long. Engaging with its riveting script. Long. Superbly choreographed fight sequences. Long. Nice movie. Long. Now if only someone would tell me where Birbal was.


Neville said...

This is the problem with uneducated, un-researched, uninformed, "have no sense of film-making or story telling", lambed with no sense of appreciation for spectacles that don't star stammering, pseudo-drunk, SUPERSTARS who think that acting is about two expressions, movie critics. Tich tich tich, it's such a pity that you will never be able to create anything so magnificent and still be able to critique something that is, without the lack of information, of course.

amused bystander said...

I realise that you do miss the parts where i said the movie is nice. Just because i like a particular star..(which is personal but i see that you think its ok to publish here)does not make me not like movies by other people.Read my tone. Before you start insulting.

Neville said...

Now now... Someone taught me, "Tone does not salvage non-appreciation". Anyways, dragging personal points on a blog is what it is about. It is a BLOG - Web Log... See your opinions.. and everyone else's. But that was not a personal reference. But it works in this case. And "miss the parts where i said the movie is nice", awfully nice of you.

It took Micheal Angelo 4 years to paint the Sistine Chapel and a critic 4 hours to write a review.

Create something before you critique anything. Or at least try to be a part of something.

amused bystander said...

No. Its not about personal things. And i would prefer it if you didnt 'accidently' make personal references. As a person who watched the movie, I have a right to critique it as much as you have to defend it. And no i dont need to start making movies to have an opinion on them. And i certainly dont have to agree with yours.

Jonathan said...

wow... you know what i like. the fact that you haven't deleted his entries. He's a little too caustic though. You seemed to have stepped on a nerve.
Anyway, like your stuff too. But i thought the blog was called intellectual rumination.

amused bystander said...

Hey, jonathan, everyone is allowed an opinion. And yeah same last name, there has got to be something there.. :)

ReadnRyte said...

I liked the scene where AKbar is valiantly trying to make us believe that the horned pachyderm is anything but bored...and as Akbar rolls around in the mud, as wild as a horny she-dog, the elephant looks on amusedly. That was hilarious.

...ah Akbar is extra careful during their necking session as he knows that the Jodha lady can burst into a giggling fit...if he touches her more than just superficially 'n am sure he must'be been concious about her father-in-law who must've been watchin' real close.

I liked the surreal atmosphere created during that sufi song...or prolly t'was just me.

...'n ya, where was Birbal?