I wanted to start this with a dramatic line like ‘Bollywood
has come a long way’ but really it's 2013 and we have Grand Masti, so... Anyway, I am noticing that increasingly, the
starlets and extras of Bollywood are slowly getting leading roles which is a matter of grave concern- not.. But since I must, here we go.
Clotheslines
Bollywood romanticizes everything. Yes, everything. But even to
the most artistic mind, getting a clothesline to have more expressions that the
leading lady is tough. But it happens. I
can bet a couple of clotheslines have already hiked their rates and will only work with
big banners. I mean lets admit it, clotheslines didn't really think they would ever make it to the Swiss Alps league. Yellowing underwear, tattered pyjamas, a long lost sock and very-crisp-from-being-in-the-sun
clothes are usually found giving each other company on these wires. In a
Bollywood movie however, the clotheslines have bright, vibrant sarees stretched
out languidly, fluttering in the breeze which makes the perfect backdrop for romantic interludes. Much
pursuing happens within the seams of these clothes. The heroine walks into a glorified version of dhobi ghaat and ducks behinds some sarees. The hero chases her ducking behind other sarees. Much ducking and sareeing ensues and in the end, usually due to the inability to even play the basic game of hide-and-seek properly or sheer negligence, the heroine ends up running into the arms of the hero. Voila, romantic song done. In fact, to add authenticity to these scene, sometimes, the actress is even asked to carefully wring a garment. Of course, this is performed to melodious tunes and she does it like its a long last art done requiring the talent of a crafted artisan. Let’s just hope no
one ever comes clothes to my clothesline which is nowhere next to glamorous and
usually has our very irate maid wringing and drying the clothes with alarming
strength and disgust.
Hair
My hair is usually tied in a bun and I make a concentrated
attempt to make sure that it is clipped away when I am doing any sort of work.
Nothing mundane like work or concentration can stop a Bollywood heroine from
having her hair softly framing her face and flying at the exact angle as
dictated by the choreographer. Her hair will fly when she walks, when she
stands and waits for a bus, when she is looking at herself in the mirror, when
she attempts a push out a baby during labour and all those other emotional
stages of life. To those new to Bollywood or life, when an actress tosses her
hair back with much force, it is her being haughty. When she is thinking, a
nice strand, shiny and straight is made available to her to twirl around her
fingers. During romantic moments, one strand also obediently pops out of place
so the hero (in what is a moment that establishes his sensitive side) can tuck
that wayward hair behind her ear. And of course, the hair doesn't frizz when
left out in the humidity too long or look like a mop during the monsoons. Nor
does it ever get stuck in a hairbrush causing her to pull at it. It’s all very
detangled.
Slum children
On a good day, they will not knock on your window and manage to put you
on a guilt trip. On a bad day, you will be willing to empty your wallet and give them your property when
you look at the slum kids. You really can't help but feel bad. In movies, things
such as pity or guilt are done away with completely. In Bollywood, slum kids
are cleaned up, given new clothes and will sit in the frame gleaming in the
background. They will do nothing useful in the background till a song streams
in. Then, they will get up and prance around the heroine who looks suitably
thrilled at being in their midst. She will also smile sweetly during this time
establishing the fact that she is a kind-hearted soul and that she is merely a
prop in the movie much like the kids. Around this time, a decent choreographer
introduces rain. For the other, slow motion does the trick. The song usually
ends with these kids cannon-balling into a water body and frolicking around. If
the actresses’ character demands that she be chirpy, she will be seen having a
whale of a time with the said kids. The end.
